April 12 – Discussing Broken Objects

You wrap yourself up, cushion tight
To protect yourself from the pinpricks and the barbs
But when one of them breaks through
You can’t stem the flow of the ever growing wound
It’s not too easy to look past the pain
It sticks to your heart even when it has healed

– Tegan Thuss

April 6 – A Recording of Two Lives

Side A: We Weren’t Meant to Burn

I always knew the fizzle was a sign of things to come.
You knew sparks were made of fingers on legs
But you never knew that my legs never conducted much electricity.
I spasm sometimes when I’m thinking of life
And you called that love, cause I could feel you moving.
If only it weren’t so wrong, if only I could feel the earth shake when you rocked.
We weren’t meant to learn love songs, only rough notes and guarded words.

I hate bugs, you collect scabs
We lived inside ourselves
Windows foggy, steamed up
I couldn’t see your insides
I was sure there was some tar in there
I knew there was some soot in me

As the sun was setting I thought about endings, you kept whispering about beginnings.
I felt bad, because I knew that happiness was not about your hand in mine,
It was more about feeling lost in motion, in moving forward, in future discovery.
You always thought I had moonlight in my hair and stars in my eyes,
Sometimes I laughed at night thinking of how naïve you were, how young.
Really I just didn’t know the meaning of being with another person, of grabbing
On to something and pulling and pushing and never breaking, always mending.
I liked looking at glass shattering, you should have known then that I would
Break that heart of yours.

I had no tears for you
Only a goodbye that left you silent
When I walked away
I thought you must have been a doll
And I was the puppet master
Cutting the strings
But I felt free, and you felt alone
Guess that’s what never again
Feels like.

Side B: You and I Are the Cosmos Racing

Shooting stars, I never knew they could burn your eyes with truth
Until I looked up while holding your hand, and felt the tailwinds on my face.
Life felt bigger and smaller all at once, with your arms around my stomach.
I heard the song on the wind, the whistle in the breeze, and I knew how love felt.

You held rainbows softly, letting the colours drips through your fingers
And into my hair. I laughed because it tickled.
Every time you said goodbye, I felt my heart float up like a balloon tied to your wrist
Following you everywhere you went without me.
You promised nothing, but I knew with you everything was for me and it always would be,
No doubts or lies, no secrets spilling behind shut lips.
We kissed and my smile stretched against the sun, warm against your lips
I’m content just to live and love with you forever.

I remember times when I was freedom, wings on back and shades drawn
No one knew the inside of my soul.
Now I’m open book, fairytale story, and you are an avid reader
Fingertips tracing the words of my being.

I’m never flippant or scared or trying not to be hurt, I am flowing thoughts
I break out of unknown into knowing you and knowing who I will be
Knowing I am myself, I am you, I am world, we are one.
I am living every day for myself, for you, and for this little seed we have blessed to grow.

– Tegan Thuss

March 29 – Life’s Little Entries

Entry 1

Dear Journal masquerading as Notebook for work,

I did it again today. I stared into those eyes, dreamt I could be held in them, and saw instead the reflection of HER.
HER. Evil incarnate. Reason that I am alone, sad, depressed, wanting.
She breaths, and I rot in my own misery.
He looked nice, jeans, cowboy shirt, half-tilted smile. I smiled and smiled all day, chatting with him whenever I had the chance. Do boys ever know when they could just grab you and kiss you and not let go? Do they ever know that?

Idiot. I know.

Entry 2

Dear Journal wanting to be more than it is,

I dreamt of him. Soft kisses, golden smiles, hands that stretched over me, under me, around me. He ached, I felt it, he laughed and my whole chest exploded with happiness.
I HATE. Hate that I am not with him, that I feel this need to paint myself in sorrow each time he is not around. I wish I could wear colour again…
He looked nice, sports jersey and tossled hair. He poked me and I laughed, laughed and smiled and felt my heart expand.

The Idiot.

Entry 3

Dear journal sucking my soul dry,

If π is an infinite number and the world is round, than why am I not with him? It seems like it would be logical, concise, predictable. And yet, there she stands in his eyes always waving, smiling, punching me in the gut. And he just smiles right back, entranced by her every move, her every breath. She spins fairy tales in his heart, she lets down her hair and he aches to climb it forever. I weep poisoned apples, hoping she will taste just one.

The Idiot.

– Tegan Thuss 

March 26 – Some Sad Lonely Song

She’s swaying her hips to a slow song in her head
No one knows the tune, or why she hears it
But she just keeps moving, legs twisting and turning
Like being in motion is the only thing holding her together

Everything is quiet, all eyes on her easy sashay across the floor
No one knows how to stop her dance, or if they want to
And she’s making it hard for anyone to remember
If she was always this unhappy, or if happiness existed at all

Her empty beer is on the bar, lipstick glued to the shine
Her eyes are closed so she doesn’t have to see
That she’s still here, that there are people around
She’s alone in her mind, slow song blaring memories

The song keeps going, no end in sight
She’s got nothing left of herself but this moment
The alcohol has sweated out of her system
A faded photograph image slips from behind her eyes

Her tears are falling as her feet refuse to move
She falls to the floor and no one moves to help
She is an echo of sadness that they all know too well
Life beating the will to move on out of them all

– Tegan Thuss

February 25 – Hallowed Halls

You always told me if I was quiet and stopped to listen to the world I would hear your voice whispering in my ear. All I hear is the silence weighing me down, the humming drone of a world turning while you fight to breathe. I always thought that the sun was the light you let out of your eyes, straight from your soul, burning. The sun is up, but your eyes are closed and there’s something about the shimmer that makes me want to shut the blinds. I can’t remember the last time you smiled, and I’m trying to piece together your laugh from parts of conversations running continuously through my mind. We’ve left these words hanging by the door, lying in the bed, moving round the kitchen, following me until I cannot hear anything but the echo of the silence that they leave. Your hands are cold, your half gone already, pale fragment, faded photograph I am trying to restore. It’s not easy when your sighs sound like moans of the dying, when you live like a ghost waiting to dissipate. I am the walking dead without the life you had to share with me, you are the dying light I wish that I could switch back on.

– Tegan Thuss

January 31 – When the Dust Settles

When you broke me I thought that was it; that I could live with half the pieces missing. I tried not to notice that my heart beat a little slower, and my blood coursed a little cooler. I tried not to notice that my face forgot how to smile, and my eyes forgot how to shine.

When you broke me I thought I would be ok; with only bits of me to remember. Even though tears seemed closer than laughter, and the sun never did shine when I was around. Even though my fingers ached from a feeling of loneliness and emptiness.

When you broke me I thought it was a beginning; and all beginnings were better with pain. I forgot about happiness and contentment, instead I only knew sadness and regret. I forgot about stepping forward, and could only find myself falling backwards.

When you broke me I was a ragdoll thrown away; no little child to claim me from the wreckage. And I knew it was all about my ineptness, my unwillingness to change for you. And I knew I could blame all the blackness on the fact I didn’t know how to catch the sun.

When you broke me I crumbled; but you didn’t notice cause you drifted far away. You never did look back as the river took you, like I was just an island worth forgetting. You never did stop and turn, like I was an emotion best left with all the rest of the ones you didn’t need.

But it happened, in a way, without me expecting it. I slowly began to glue myself back together, following the breadcrumbs I trailed behind me when I took your hand. Looking for the me that was whole, before you started chipping away at the bits you didn’t like. It took moments, ages, eternity, but there I was, shining perfect, me. And I pulled myself together, lifted myself up, dusted myself off and laughed; because I realized I was never really the one who was broken, it was always you that could never really fit yourself in to the puzzle that was me.

– Tegan Thuss

January 26 – Missed Step

My heart crumbles
Falls down to pieces
Litters the ground
At your feet

You look at the puzzle
Try to guess the meaning
But it evades you
As I float away

Red balloons aren’t always happy
When they float of with your soul
And the man you love
Just watches the clouds consume it

My sighs echo
Burn in your ears
Invade the world
That you live in

You listen to the song
Can’t pick up the beat
Let it stop
As I drift away

Teddy bears will sometimes cry
When the water washes over your body
And the man you love
Just watches the waves engulf it

My goodbye flickers
Past your smile
Through the trees
That you ignore

You don’t notice
As I break apart
Never to rebuild
As I melt away

– Tegan Thuss
 

January 25 – Without a Pulse

We’re just two dead things
In a living world
Clinging to the earth
And each other

And if our days should end
We’ll still be holding hands
Cause in this underground world
You’re my lover

Our hearts don’t beat
Our eyes can’t meet
But our hands hold tight
Where there is no light

We’re just two dead things
In a living world
Clinging to lost hopes
And each other

– Tegan Thuss