April 13 – When We Breathe Regret

She is the world untethered
Fists closed around broken stone
Silence the wind, the tears

She is the tattered dreams
Left rotting in the bulging snow
Cold hatred, the burning

She is the unspoken words
Ripped from beating chests
Blood thick, the fading warmth

She is past cruelty, onward life
No returning to the fetid corpse
Bloated with regret, the hurt

She is gone from all remembering
Blown out with the pale light of dawn
Lights flickered goodbye, the sacrifice

P.S. Sorry for the looooooong wait. Been a little busy with a little baby 😀
This poem is a reject from Poetry Magazine, as are the three that will follow.

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April 6 – A Recording of Two Lives

Side A: We Weren’t Meant to Burn

I always knew the fizzle was a sign of things to come.
You knew sparks were made of fingers on legs
But you never knew that my legs never conducted much electricity.
I spasm sometimes when I’m thinking of life
And you called that love, cause I could feel you moving.
If only it weren’t so wrong, if only I could feel the earth shake when you rocked.
We weren’t meant to learn love songs, only rough notes and guarded words.

I hate bugs, you collect scabs
We lived inside ourselves
Windows foggy, steamed up
I couldn’t see your insides
I was sure there was some tar in there
I knew there was some soot in me

As the sun was setting I thought about endings, you kept whispering about beginnings.
I felt bad, because I knew that happiness was not about your hand in mine,
It was more about feeling lost in motion, in moving forward, in future discovery.
You always thought I had moonlight in my hair and stars in my eyes,
Sometimes I laughed at night thinking of how naïve you were, how young.
Really I just didn’t know the meaning of being with another person, of grabbing
On to something and pulling and pushing and never breaking, always mending.
I liked looking at glass shattering, you should have known then that I would
Break that heart of yours.

I had no tears for you
Only a goodbye that left you silent
When I walked away
I thought you must have been a doll
And I was the puppet master
Cutting the strings
But I felt free, and you felt alone
Guess that’s what never again
Feels like.

Side B: You and I Are the Cosmos Racing

Shooting stars, I never knew they could burn your eyes with truth
Until I looked up while holding your hand, and felt the tailwinds on my face.
Life felt bigger and smaller all at once, with your arms around my stomach.
I heard the song on the wind, the whistle in the breeze, and I knew how love felt.

You held rainbows softly, letting the colours drips through your fingers
And into my hair. I laughed because it tickled.
Every time you said goodbye, I felt my heart float up like a balloon tied to your wrist
Following you everywhere you went without me.
You promised nothing, but I knew with you everything was for me and it always would be,
No doubts or lies, no secrets spilling behind shut lips.
We kissed and my smile stretched against the sun, warm against your lips
I’m content just to live and love with you forever.

I remember times when I was freedom, wings on back and shades drawn
No one knew the inside of my soul.
Now I’m open book, fairytale story, and you are an avid reader
Fingertips tracing the words of my being.

I’m never flippant or scared or trying not to be hurt, I am flowing thoughts
I break out of unknown into knowing you and knowing who I will be
Knowing I am myself, I am you, I am world, we are one.
I am living every day for myself, for you, and for this little seed we have blessed to grow.

– Tegan Thuss

January 31 – When the Dust Settles

When you broke me I thought that was it; that I could live with half the pieces missing. I tried not to notice that my heart beat a little slower, and my blood coursed a little cooler. I tried not to notice that my face forgot how to smile, and my eyes forgot how to shine.

When you broke me I thought I would be ok; with only bits of me to remember. Even though tears seemed closer than laughter, and the sun never did shine when I was around. Even though my fingers ached from a feeling of loneliness and emptiness.

When you broke me I thought it was a beginning; and all beginnings were better with pain. I forgot about happiness and contentment, instead I only knew sadness and regret. I forgot about stepping forward, and could only find myself falling backwards.

When you broke me I was a ragdoll thrown away; no little child to claim me from the wreckage. And I knew it was all about my ineptness, my unwillingness to change for you. And I knew I could blame all the blackness on the fact I didn’t know how to catch the sun.

When you broke me I crumbled; but you didn’t notice cause you drifted far away. You never did look back as the river took you, like I was just an island worth forgetting. You never did stop and turn, like I was an emotion best left with all the rest of the ones you didn’t need.

But it happened, in a way, without me expecting it. I slowly began to glue myself back together, following the breadcrumbs I trailed behind me when I took your hand. Looking for the me that was whole, before you started chipping away at the bits you didn’t like. It took moments, ages, eternity, but there I was, shining perfect, me. And I pulled myself together, lifted myself up, dusted myself off and laughed; because I realized I was never really the one who was broken, it was always you that could never really fit yourself in to the puzzle that was me.

– Tegan Thuss

November 9 – Ready, Aim, Happiness

She lifts her head high

(cool breeze, morning soft)

There are birds calling sweet songs to her, she hears nothing

(fallen leaves caress her feet)

She looks forward with determination etched in shadow on her face

(trees rattle in desperate need)

She reaches her destination, hands clamped around memories ready for firing

(a silent bell chimes warning to the world)

She sees her target, molten black curves around her vision as she takes aim and frees her soul

(blink twice and you will miss justice take its toll)

She smiles, curved happiness first sense of self she thought she lost, he lays prostrate on ground

(single tear finds the wind and follows it homeward)

She turns on stronger heels, he groans in pain, she will feel the bruises on her knuckles tomorrow

(but the bruising on her heart is slowly being healed)

– Tegan Thuss

September 19 – If Band-aids Only Fit

She skips past the anger
Right to the hurt
It stings and jabs
Cuts deep into her scars
Opens all the wounds
Tears at the stitches, the seems
Breaks her already wounded heart

If only she knew how to mend
How to heal and cleanse
How to rip out the poison
Cut out the darkness
And dampen the sadness

If only she knew the way to be free
The way for her heart to be whole again

– Tegan Thuss 

September 16 – Hand Out

We’re falling a million miles per minute
Without each other’s arms to hold on to

I collapse onto solid ground
Winded without your breathing
I can feel the earth beneath my back
But it’s hard, when it should be soft
The wind picks at my hair, twisting and ripping
You’re not there to push it behind my ears

I’m falling a million miles per minute
I’m still grasping for your hand, but it’s just out of reach 

– Tegan thuss