April 7 – A Good Girl Knows When to Blush

When you finish burning
I will light you up again
With strategic looks
Suggestive touches
Licking lips
And smouldering eyes
I won’t let you lose
That yearning passion
Floodgates of desire

We were made to torch
The world with lust

– Tegan Thuss

April 6 – A Recording of Two Lives

Side A: We Weren’t Meant to Burn

I always knew the fizzle was a sign of things to come.
You knew sparks were made of fingers on legs
But you never knew that my legs never conducted much electricity.
I spasm sometimes when I’m thinking of life
And you called that love, cause I could feel you moving.
If only it weren’t so wrong, if only I could feel the earth shake when you rocked.
We weren’t meant to learn love songs, only rough notes and guarded words.

I hate bugs, you collect scabs
We lived inside ourselves
Windows foggy, steamed up
I couldn’t see your insides
I was sure there was some tar in there
I knew there was some soot in me

As the sun was setting I thought about endings, you kept whispering about beginnings.
I felt bad, because I knew that happiness was not about your hand in mine,
It was more about feeling lost in motion, in moving forward, in future discovery.
You always thought I had moonlight in my hair and stars in my eyes,
Sometimes I laughed at night thinking of how naïve you were, how young.
Really I just didn’t know the meaning of being with another person, of grabbing
On to something and pulling and pushing and never breaking, always mending.
I liked looking at glass shattering, you should have known then that I would
Break that heart of yours.

I had no tears for you
Only a goodbye that left you silent
When I walked away
I thought you must have been a doll
And I was the puppet master
Cutting the strings
But I felt free, and you felt alone
Guess that’s what never again
Feels like.

Side B: You and I Are the Cosmos Racing

Shooting stars, I never knew they could burn your eyes with truth
Until I looked up while holding your hand, and felt the tailwinds on my face.
Life felt bigger and smaller all at once, with your arms around my stomach.
I heard the song on the wind, the whistle in the breeze, and I knew how love felt.

You held rainbows softly, letting the colours drips through your fingers
And into my hair. I laughed because it tickled.
Every time you said goodbye, I felt my heart float up like a balloon tied to your wrist
Following you everywhere you went without me.
You promised nothing, but I knew with you everything was for me and it always would be,
No doubts or lies, no secrets spilling behind shut lips.
We kissed and my smile stretched against the sun, warm against your lips
I’m content just to live and love with you forever.

I remember times when I was freedom, wings on back and shades drawn
No one knew the inside of my soul.
Now I’m open book, fairytale story, and you are an avid reader
Fingertips tracing the words of my being.

I’m never flippant or scared or trying not to be hurt, I am flowing thoughts
I break out of unknown into knowing you and knowing who I will be
Knowing I am myself, I am you, I am world, we are one.
I am living every day for myself, for you, and for this little seed we have blessed to grow.

– Tegan Thuss

April 4 – Bound by the Lightning

I remember that hot summer night, long ago, but not too long to forget we weren’t young anymore. The world went dark, the electricity shut off. But inside we were creating our own sparks, our hands formed lightning on skin that felt too hot but not hot enough. We were burning in the darkness, for each other and for love. When we kissed there were flashes and when I shut my eyes I swore I could see your smile etched in sunshine on the back of my eyelids. Your laughter sounded like static happiness, like the flipping of a switch to permanent ‘on’. I felt everything you had like a mixture of blending and cooking, we were melting from summer nights spent learning curves no road would ever find. There was no relief, no cool breeze, just hot breath and warm motion, and knowing that this was the moment that marked forever for us. This was the moment when we knew we would be connected together, a little line drawn from my heart to yours. And no matter how hard you knotted it, how many times the scissors might snip, it would be stronger than glue, hold faster than stone.

I remember that hot summer night, long ago, but not too long to forget we were still young. The world went dark, the electricity shut off. But inside we were creating a lightning strike that would spark the world to move just a little faster with us.

– Tegan Thuss

April 3 – Turn Tape Over to Side B

We sit in cold silence, as I watch the world float away and by. I trace memories with my mind, and hollow futures with my heart. I hurt when nothing touches me, but burn when the world gets too close. Slowly I move my hand, a flick of the wrist, thoughtless, careless, a scared motion of an injured animal looking for comfort. I edge it closer to yours, take hold in the darkness of my soul, and feel the warmth of your presence cascade through my icy veins. You tighten the grip, smile your bright smile, and I forgot what it is to be alone, what it is to feel used up and neglected. I feel like I am the only shining object in a black-out world, and you are coming to me, to my sparkle, with a matching glow. We were made in caves, moulded in rock, built from solid, unmoving earth into a single entity. One being, split in the middle, later seared back together by the formation of time and trust. We are the ocean cascading together, waves of laughter rolling onto shores of forever. The emptiness I have been feeling fades with the setting sun, and you and me, we’re just starting.

– Tegan Thuss

April 2 – You Can Win Still, Even Broken

She’s a little bit timid in the big lights
She can hear the roar, the silence
She’s staring out into her future
She’s feeling tension cracking her spine
She lets her smile stiffen
She lets her body flow with motion
She moves with a certainty she doesn’t feel
She is beautiful in all the right and wrong ways
She stops
She hears it then, explosion
She is tears in the face of knowing it was worth it

– Tegan Thuss

April 1 – Beating Worthlessness

I’m spilling tear drops on my wrists
Better than blood
They soak me up in their clear bubbles
But I can always walk away
I can always move, move, move
And the rain will keep falling off me
And my skin won’t crack
It will hold firm and hold me in
So I can live with you
Instead of with the pain

– Tegan Thuss

March 31 – Little Voices

“You have moon goddess eyes
Like a gypsy queen”

Didn’t your mother ever tell you
‘Not to blow steam’

“Your too do-good for my taste,
All straight lines”

I’ll bowl you over with my eyes
You won’t see the signs

“Should have seen the viper
In that blood”

It twists and turns, striking
When it should

“You’ve got black demon teeth
Devils little liar”

Didn’t your mother ever tell you
‘Never play with fire’.

– Tegan Thuss

March 30 – Holding Hearts

Everything magical
Comes from happiness

When I’m with you
The stars align
The waters sparkle
Your eyes shine
And my smile warms

We hold hands
Twisted pines
Clinging together
Against sadness

The moon a flashlight
As we sit on swings
Made of air and hope
Hair colliding with wind

This is the moment
When you whisper
‘I love you’
And I forget
How the world was
Before you spoke

This is the moment
When I repeat
Every word you said
Like we are one
Glued together
At the heart

– Tegan Thuss

March 29 – Life’s Little Entries

Entry 1

Dear Journal masquerading as Notebook for work,

I did it again today. I stared into those eyes, dreamt I could be held in them, and saw instead the reflection of HER.
HER. Evil incarnate. Reason that I am alone, sad, depressed, wanting.
She breaths, and I rot in my own misery.
He looked nice, jeans, cowboy shirt, half-tilted smile. I smiled and smiled all day, chatting with him whenever I had the chance. Do boys ever know when they could just grab you and kiss you and not let go? Do they ever know that?

Idiot. I know.

Entry 2

Dear Journal wanting to be more than it is,

I dreamt of him. Soft kisses, golden smiles, hands that stretched over me, under me, around me. He ached, I felt it, he laughed and my whole chest exploded with happiness.
I HATE. Hate that I am not with him, that I feel this need to paint myself in sorrow each time he is not around. I wish I could wear colour again…
He looked nice, sports jersey and tossled hair. He poked me and I laughed, laughed and smiled and felt my heart expand.

The Idiot.

Entry 3

Dear journal sucking my soul dry,

If π is an infinite number and the world is round, than why am I not with him? It seems like it would be logical, concise, predictable. And yet, there she stands in his eyes always waving, smiling, punching me in the gut. And he just smiles right back, entranced by her every move, her every breath. She spins fairy tales in his heart, she lets down her hair and he aches to climb it forever. I weep poisoned apples, hoping she will taste just one.

The Idiot.

– Tegan Thuss