This is the darkest thing I have ever written in my life….if it is too disturbing than don’t read it…

Scared no Longer


I used to be scared of the dark, now I step into it and let it engulf me. Every shadowy corner I see is my beacon of light, and I walk willingly into it. I wait for some dark serpent or scary daemon to curl it’s arms around me and eat my soul. There’s no turning back to the life I had before, of pleasant thoughts and happy days. I am sad all the time, and everything I’ve loved has hurt me. The scars on my wrists are proof of this pain, and I wear them with pride. I hate the light, it hurts my darkened eyes. The most happiness I find is from the staring eyes of darkness on my tortured and tormented body. I slip in and out of the days, just waiting desperately for the night and the fear I once had to slip from my body and be consumed by my new love for the darkness. I call it love, cause love hurts and the darkness always hurts me, and I like it. I like the pain now, I am so used to it that anything else would be horrible and shocking. I am ready for death, in fact I welcome it, only I no longer want to take my life. I want someone to kill me, to find me in the dark and slaughter my silent form. I won’t fight, in fact I’ll beg. I’ll whisper how I love them for taking from me what I knew I never could. I could never kill myself, because I need something deep and dark, something I fear and yet love, to do it. I need some justification for my life, some end that meets my needs. Suicide is so cliche now, and I hate being like everyone else. I want the shadows to consume me in flames and break through my body to rip me into millions of pieces that will seep into the heart of the earth. Is that too much to ask? Are daemons too cunning to see that I want their cruel fingers to rip me apart? It hurts it hurts, and I love it. I love this stabbing pain, so much more real than the pain of love, the pain of someone ripping you apart with their words. I hate smiles, I hate dreams, I hate the hope I saw when you were there….when everyone was there. It’s all false, faded like the air around this town. I like the pollution, I like the feeling of dying slowly in this shit hole. It’s nice, this cold loneliness, this empty heart I have. I like it empty, I like the hole in it, I like the taste of death and infection. Everything evil resides in my mind, and I let it. It fills all the pieces that were once filled with love, and instead of curing the gaps it widens them, strengthens them. The dark is my lover, curled around me like no one else could be, like no one else would be. It’s arms caress me, and hold me when I cry, which is often. No one listens like the darkness does, no one cares anymore. Sudden crashing noises draw me to them, and for minutes I feel the pain of hope, and then it is nothing. Nothing but my hope of death teasing me, hurting me again, and I smile cause it feels so good. Feels so right as it crawls under my skin, rips a little more of my heart open for the pain to get in. Everything is perfect in the dark, everything is real. It’s only in the dark that I can hate myself, cut myself, pull myself in two. It’s only in the dark that I feel the reward of love. I can depend on the darkness, I could never depend on the light and the love that it brought to me. Daylight is false hope, it destroys you in it’s beauty, it’s so much more dangerous than the night. And even though I love to hurt, I want the reality not the falseness, I hate the daylight for it’s hidden shadows. I love the night for it’s dark corners, so obvious to my eyes, not like the suns darkened streets. Daylight is a dagger in the back, while night is a sword through the heart, right where you can see it. Such tortured souls should accept such a defeat, and I have. I am only waiting for it to truly claim me, truly stop this beating heart of mine. This heart is what broke me in the first place, it’s the reason I am so soiled and rotten. It tore itself first, and soon the toxins and the poisons seeped in and rotted it to the core. You can’t cure poison, unless you suck it out right away, but I was too late to see what had been done. So now this rotten, poisoned heart yearns for the death embrace of the night. Another noise, this time closer than before, this time it might actually be something. I move quickly, and yes there is someone, someone lying in the gutter. Someone who has somehow managed to get the escape that I most wanted, death. She looks only to be sixteen, I remember that age, so hopeful. Touching her skin, she’s so cold, so beautiful. And her eyes, open but empty, I can only ever dream to look like that. Where is the person who did this, why could he not wait for me, why could he have not chosen me? Am I not the perfect candidate, why her? Wasn’t she happy, wasn’t she still in love with the sun, didn’t her life have meaning? The dark has stabbed me again, it’s so lovely that I wish it could happen again. So I lean down and kiss her dead lips, so beautiful, maybe I could transfer my soul into her dead body. Maybe I could trade places with her. No luck, but the pain is so comforting that I curl my arms around myself hoping to keep it close. There’s something lying next to her, some small necklace that she has lost. I pick it up, she needs it no longer. I place it over my head and it burns my skin. I love it already, such weight. It’s a cross, and I smile even more. Couldn’t have chosen a more painful symbol, the weight of God is on my heart now, pressing so painfully into my cold skin.


My home is a little apartment in the centre of the city, the ghetto of the city I should say. Anything more would be too disgusting to me, I love the smallness, the smell of decay, the dank air. It’s so deathly ill, so coldly exciting. I like how it just has a bed, a toilet and a small kitchen. Nothing more pleasant than nothing. The bath is the only luxury I have, and it was there when I cut myself. So filled with love it was, so full of everything I wanted to drown in. And the razor was lying on the edge, so beguiling and fancy. There was no choice but to combine them to make one out of body experience. I have never felt a high so much as that moment when my blood was pouring into the very water I was bathing in. And the sight, the red mixing with the clearness of water. I smiled at it, smiled as I slipped into unconsciousness. I might have died were it not for the neighbour who had found mail of mine and found the door unlocked. I had been selfish then, I had cared enough to let them in. No longer do I say hello, or goodbye, no longer do I look their way, everyone is dead to me. The only one who might be alive is the one who takes this tattered life from me. There’s a bug at my foot and I watch it scurry away, afraid of me. Such things are simply joys. If even one thing fears me then it is enough to know the darkness loves me. I leave the windows open, waiting for someone to slip in to claim me. The door I lock, because I fear the entrance of neighbours who care what happens to me. I don’t care, and why should they. The only thing I care for is night, is the deepest recesses of the cities shadows, the corners that no sane person dares to look into. No one knows I exist, I won’t let them. I slip in and out without the slightest bit of noise. I like it like that, I like being dead to everyone, and I wish it were actually true. I touch the necklace, it burns my fingers. I desire to have it touch every inch of my body, because it causes this fire to burn me. It’s death, and it feels so damn good. It’s everything I could have thought it would be, and I yearn for it all the more. Her eyes flash in my mind again and I collapse on the bed in a fit of pure pleasure. I want her end, I want it to be me. I lick the cross and the heat spreads through my mouth, so explosive that I almost faint from the sweetness of it. I pause as something collapses in me, and I think that it might have been the last strands of sanity I had. The wall has completely crumbled, like the wall around my heart did all those years ago. I smile all the more, this is what I want is it not. To be completely lost in myself and in the dark world around me. My mind is the darkest place of all, the most dreaded night, the corner where all my hate lies, and the most hate I feel is for myself. My tongue touches the necklace again, and this time I can’t stop the waves of heat washing over me, and I don’t want to. Death is such a wonderful thing, I only wish it would come to me. Smile for me shadows, smile for the darkness you have bread in this nothingness I call my heart. I smiled once for love, but everything that makes me happy now is your doing.


There’s a gargoyle that I visit at night, one that looks so horrible I think I would like it to come alive and rip my head from my shoulders. I sit with it and smile at it and caress its sharp teeth. Such beauty in stone that only I can see the truth of it, it’s living in there…breathing in the toxins of the city and dreaming of a day when it will break out of the stone and destroy everything. An apocalypse of fire and brimstone, and I will be on the edge of hell waiting to be thrown in. Hell would be heaven to me, so full of the pain I love the most. This gargoyle overlooks a desolate park, where children have been killed before. No one comes here anymore, and the guardian is just fine with that. The gargoyle is chipped in places, all the more beautiful for its faults. Sometimes I wish that the gargoyle had been the one I loved before, because then at least he would have ripped my heart out right away, instead of putting it through slow agony and finally destroying every hope I had of being happy. There’s something so enticing in the lifeless stare of a statue, something so embracing. It reminds me of the girl and I touch the necklace, and for a second I am swept away with wonder.
There’s something staring at me, I can feel it on my back. And I turn and there is someone standing there, someone I have never seen before. I think for a moment that my death might be close at hand and I smile. The person looks at me and smiles in return, and I know it isn’t death, but the pain of losing death again is sweet. He’s dressed in white, so bright in this darkness, I hate it. But he is smiling so delicately that something ancient stirs in me. I think it’s hate again, but maybe it is something more. The insanity in me is so overwhelming that I jump up and laugh. He keeps smiling, that awful smile, as if he knows everything. He knows nothing, and the darkness is swarming around him. Swarming and it makes me angry, how can he just stand there so still in the darkness. It’s caressing him, caring for him like it should be doing for me. I am angry, rage rips through my veins and I grab his wrist. But the smile only melts into stunned silence, there is no fear there. He looks at my hand and there is something in his eyes, some distant echo of daylight that I once used to love. And he sees me staring, and he stares back. It’s there, the daylight I once loved and it’s reaching out to touch me. I jump back in fear, in fear of everything I remember. He smiles again and keeps looking at me, so deep and understanding. The gargoyle is behind me, and the teeth are sharp pointing into my back. I am wishing it would come to life and kill me now, it’s too much. The daylight is breaking through the darkness, and he is coming closer. The necklace is burning all the more, but the pain is no more pleasure, it just hurts. I rip the necklace off and throw it at him. He steps away from it and he touches my cheek. He smells like flowers, that I can even remember their scent amazes me. He touches my arm and my wrists stab me with remembrance, with the pain of trying to kill myself. I am crying now and he is wiping the teats away. I can’t breath, the toxins are losing their soothing effect. The gargoyle’s teeth are digging deeper as I try to push further away. But he’s still there and only inches from my face. He starts to trace the scars on my wrist and my flesh burns anew, only it burns like it never has before. And I want this burn to go on forever. “Are you death?” His smile widens, and he steps back. The loss of contact shocks me, as I feel like he has taken every piece of me with him. His smile reaches to his eyes and I can’t help but smile back. The darkness around us means nothing to me now, not when he is there smiling at me. His eyes are like water on the horizon and I reach out with mine. He laughs and suddenly white wings sprout from his back, so gorgeous that I can’t move. I am stuck, stuck in the need to have him touch me again. “I am Michael!” He says, and his light hair brushes mine as he embraces me. He laughs again and I am flying, flying in his every touch. Maybe I was wrong, maybe heaven isn’t darkness or light, maybe heaven is whatever you make of the world around you. And maybe no matter what you do it will find you. Maybe the world is just a bad dream and heaven is the reality of it all. There is no light and dark, there is only the mind and the path it chooses. Michael is my path, there would be no where to go but his arms. Even as I had lost myself he had found me again. It only took my total destruction to finally see him there, to finally know that he had always been there. He had been there when I had my first heartache, and he could only watch me closely as I crumbled. But now that I had lost it all he was able to show me himself, to show me everything that I am, and everything about me that he loves. He could have left a long time ago, but he didn’t. He is true love, he is reality. He is the one I would live for, death don’t come to me, I want to live, I want to live with Michael. There is nothing if there is not him, I am flying, and he is heaven to me. I was once afraid of the dark, now it blends with the light in everything I am. And I am mending those gaps, and the poison can be cured, with a little bit of love. I am flying, and heaven is in sight…



Scars


These cuts of mine are paper thin,


They refuse the urge to let you in.


But they’re weak and slowly bleeding,


With every smile my heart beats in needing.


You’re getting in like a disease,


And every bit of my soul is aching to please.


These cuts were fine, but now they’re sore,


And everytime I’m with you it’s more deadly than before.


You’re making what was shallow, deep,


With every inch you dig, the more I want to keep.


Your love is cutting me to the bone,


And everything of me is yours to own.


So rip these wounds apart,

Settle down inside my heart,


Cause I can’t escape the pain anymore,


You’re everything that I’ve been fighting for.


 


Tegan Simmons


wrote this today…meh, I was in a good mood from the sun(and other such nonsense)….